What's the worst thing about a night chatting to Huey on the big white telephone?
Is it the gut wrenching spasms? The odious smell of vomit? Is it knowing that you are two minutes away from the pain of your 5th dry retch in as many hours? Is it ill-advisedly watching "Das Boot" as you clutch a bucket to your chest?
Or is it having your wife tell you the following day that your next door neighbours were awakened by your overly-theatrical vomiting?
"It sounded like he was shouting" is a comment that will haunt me for a long time.
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Thursday, 13 November 2008
Buy it now, mate?
We've been shamelessly hawking a load of old junk... er, I mean, offering a range of quality second goods on eBay recently. As per normal, I start the price low, and let the auction take its course.
I could, of course, offer "Buy it Now", but I don't - as mentioned above, I just want to let the auction run its course. If I was open to an offer, I would have added a "Buy it Now" price to the auction.
Still with me? This is very complicated.
At least I assume it's all very complicated, as an irritatingly high percentage of our auctions attract a message along the lines of "Hi, mate - woud you be prepared to accept an offer to buy it right now?"
Well, excuse me Sherlock, but if I was minded to accept such a proposal, wouldn't I have listed the item with a "Buy it now" price? Is it not unreasonable to assume that as I didn't this, I'm likely to say "no thanks"? Did you perhaps assume that I maybe just forgot to click on the "Buy it Now" option when listing my item?
This has quickly gone from puzzling, to bemusing, to downright annoying. I've now decided not to respond to these queries, as the danger of firing back something drippingly sarcastic may be counter productive.
Or maybe I'll just refer them to Carpet Rite....
I could, of course, offer "Buy it Now", but I don't - as mentioned above, I just want to let the auction run its course. If I was open to an offer, I would have added a "Buy it Now" price to the auction.
Still with me? This is very complicated.
At least I assume it's all very complicated, as an irritatingly high percentage of our auctions attract a message along the lines of "Hi, mate - woud you be prepared to accept an offer to buy it right now?"
Well, excuse me Sherlock, but if I was minded to accept such a proposal, wouldn't I have listed the item with a "Buy it now" price? Is it not unreasonable to assume that as I didn't this, I'm likely to say "no thanks"? Did you perhaps assume that I maybe just forgot to click on the "Buy it Now" option when listing my item?
This has quickly gone from puzzling, to bemusing, to downright annoying. I've now decided not to respond to these queries, as the danger of firing back something drippingly sarcastic may be counter productive.
Or maybe I'll just refer them to Carpet Rite....
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Carpet "Aye, that'll be" Rite
We went to buy a small sheet of linoleum for our "cloakroom" (aka loo - why do they call this a cloakroom? Would you hang your coat in a small toilet, especially if your house is full of little people with dubious aim??).
A simple enough task you might think, and indeed at first it was all plain sailing- we found ourselves in Carpet Rite, and quickly identified a suitable bit of lino. I located a salesman, and he quickly priced it for us - about £60. "We'll take it" I said "how much for fitting?"
Well, you'd think I'd asked the poor chap to outline Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. After a short interlude of eye rolling and cheek puffing, the salesman confided that fitting was £30, plus £35 for "delivery".
I paused for a few seconds, as a I digested this information. £35 to chuck a bit of lino on a lorry and distribute to a local address? This required further exploration, and I enquired further.
The next minute was slightly confusing, but the gist was this - concerned that a number of customers had received lino or carpet, stored incorrectly prior to fitting and then claimed a refund from the store, "head office" had issued a decree that all customers pay a £35 delivery charge if they required fitting. "The problem is, the customer thinks he's always right" muttered our friendly salesman.
Could we not just pick up the lino from the store and then have it fitted, wondered my wife? Oh no, that's far too simple and obvious - no can do. However, the salesman leaned in closer, and whispered conspiratorially - "of course, you could pick it up from the store, and I could give you the number of one of the fitters so you can arrange fitting yourselves".
By this point, bemused and confused, we decided enough was enough and beat a hasty retreat. I've been mulling over this all weekend, and still can't quite fathom it out. One thing is clear -I won't be using Carpet Rite again, I just don't have the mental capacity.
A simple enough task you might think, and indeed at first it was all plain sailing- we found ourselves in Carpet Rite, and quickly identified a suitable bit of lino. I located a salesman, and he quickly priced it for us - about £60. "We'll take it" I said "how much for fitting?"
Well, you'd think I'd asked the poor chap to outline Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. After a short interlude of eye rolling and cheek puffing, the salesman confided that fitting was £30, plus £35 for "delivery".
I paused for a few seconds, as a I digested this information. £35 to chuck a bit of lino on a lorry and distribute to a local address? This required further exploration, and I enquired further.
The next minute was slightly confusing, but the gist was this - concerned that a number of customers had received lino or carpet, stored incorrectly prior to fitting and then claimed a refund from the store, "head office" had issued a decree that all customers pay a £35 delivery charge if they required fitting. "The problem is, the customer thinks he's always right" muttered our friendly salesman.
Could we not just pick up the lino from the store and then have it fitted, wondered my wife? Oh no, that's far too simple and obvious - no can do. However, the salesman leaned in closer, and whispered conspiratorially - "of course, you could pick it up from the store, and I could give you the number of one of the fitters so you can arrange fitting yourselves".
By this point, bemused and confused, we decided enough was enough and beat a hasty retreat. I've been mulling over this all weekend, and still can't quite fathom it out. One thing is clear -I won't be using Carpet Rite again, I just don't have the mental capacity.
Thursday, 6 November 2008
Paradise Lost
Despite setting an expectation that a wind of change was blowing down Magnolia Lane (Mike Weir suggested a few weeks ago that the Green Blazers were all set to radically shorten / alter several holes in response to criticism of the last two Masters), it seems that ultimately only a gentle zephyr has ruffled the azaleas and dogwoods of Augusta National.
ANGC announced earlier this week that a handful of tee boxes would be extended by 5 - 10 yards, to offer a greater variety of options should weather conditions dictate. Hardly earth shattering, and on the face of it a weak response to a growing tide of apathy surrounding this once proud tournament.
In fairness, I have defended the Green Blazers in the past two years. 2007 was unusually cold and breezy, with the firm course playing havoc. And in 2008, everything was bubbling up nicely until a strong wind on the final day saw scores soar. In sahort - mitigating circumstances.
However, they have lengthened, tightened and toughened the course to such an extent that the event is now unrecognisable from the one that captured my imagination in the 1980's. While I understand the reasoning (an attempt to have golfers playing second shots with the same clubs as 20 years ago), they have gone too far, and reduced a tournament famed for risk and reward to a dull grind.
Cases in point - Hole 7, lengthened by 50-60 yards, when the green is small, bunkered, and only receptive to wedge shots. Hole 11, where a second shot with a mid - long iron leaves no opportunity for taking the pin on, and many players aim short and right to leave a straighforward pitch. And hole 18, where the shorter hitters are playing uphill with woods or hybrids on their second shots.
It would take so little effort to restore the tournament to the levels of excitement seen previously, while still ensuring that the course is a stern test of skill and character - shorten a few holes, remove some trees, and mow down the "rough". And to most of us, this is common sense. Unfortunately Billy Payne and his green blazered buddies don't agree, and an opportunity has been missed.
It will be interesting to see how the 2009 Masters pans out, and how another zzzzzzzzz-factor will impact ratings, credibility and status. It takes a massive stretch of the imagination to foresee The Players usurping the Masters as one of the four majors, but stranger things have happened (just ask Messrs Hornby and Goodwin).
ANGC announced earlier this week that a handful of tee boxes would be extended by 5 - 10 yards, to offer a greater variety of options should weather conditions dictate. Hardly earth shattering, and on the face of it a weak response to a growing tide of apathy surrounding this once proud tournament.
In fairness, I have defended the Green Blazers in the past two years. 2007 was unusually cold and breezy, with the firm course playing havoc. And in 2008, everything was bubbling up nicely until a strong wind on the final day saw scores soar. In sahort - mitigating circumstances.
However, they have lengthened, tightened and toughened the course to such an extent that the event is now unrecognisable from the one that captured my imagination in the 1980's. While I understand the reasoning (an attempt to have golfers playing second shots with the same clubs as 20 years ago), they have gone too far, and reduced a tournament famed for risk and reward to a dull grind.
Cases in point - Hole 7, lengthened by 50-60 yards, when the green is small, bunkered, and only receptive to wedge shots. Hole 11, where a second shot with a mid - long iron leaves no opportunity for taking the pin on, and many players aim short and right to leave a straighforward pitch. And hole 18, where the shorter hitters are playing uphill with woods or hybrids on their second shots.
It would take so little effort to restore the tournament to the levels of excitement seen previously, while still ensuring that the course is a stern test of skill and character - shorten a few holes, remove some trees, and mow down the "rough". And to most of us, this is common sense. Unfortunately Billy Payne and his green blazered buddies don't agree, and an opportunity has been missed.
It will be interesting to see how the 2009 Masters pans out, and how another zzzzzzzzz-factor will impact ratings, credibility and status. It takes a massive stretch of the imagination to foresee The Players usurping the Masters as one of the four majors, but stranger things have happened (just ask Messrs Hornby and Goodwin).
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Shakin' Stephen Hawking
This is the funniest thing I've seen for a long time. Enjoy....
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=VbXFtrl71h4
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=VbXFtrl71h4
Monday, 3 November 2008
Contrast and Compare
Seeing as my brother is unable to tell the difference between a skilfully executed punch shot and a sclaff, here's an interesting illlustrative example.
From Kingsbarns 2007, it's the short par 3 8th hole. For me, a punch with a 7 iron lands within 10 feet. My brother, as usual, hits a big lash with a 9 iron that ends short and right. Contrast and compare ....
Punched 7 iron (above). Note nicely balanced finish, everything under control here. And....
A wild lash.
Some people never learn.....
From Kingsbarns 2007, it's the short par 3 8th hole. For me, a punch with a 7 iron lands within 10 feet. My brother, as usual, hits a big lash with a 9 iron that ends short and right. Contrast and compare ....
Punched 7 iron (above). Note nicely balanced finish, everything under control here. And....
A wild lash.
Some people never learn.....
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