Olympic Golf? Rogge Off!

I'd always imagined it was just a joke, but apparently the golfing authorities are deadly serious in their intent to have golf included from the 2016 Olympics.

Showing a lack of imagination that, sadly, we have come to expect from these bodies, their "plan" is to run a 72 hole strokeplay Olympic golf tournament. So... just like 99% of all pro golf events.... how stimulating.

Putting aside my own personal feelings (apathy at best), we should consider this logically, and ask ourselves what golf would add to the Olympics.

As mentioned above, it will be a "standard" 72 hole event. Therefore... adds nothing.

Will a gold medal be the pinnacle of a golfer's career, its cachet greater than a major? I think not, therefore... adds nothing.

Will the top players from each country definitely play? Well, there's no prize money, and the Olympics fall in a congested period in the pro golf calendar -US PGA, Fedex / Race to Dubai (or whatever succeeds them), and the Ryder Cup all clash with the Olympic calendar. It's hard to imagine all the top players sacrificing success in these events for a dubious bauble, which means the field quality will likely be lower than the Majors, TPC, and WGC. Therefore... adds nothing.

If golf is to be included, then please let it be different from the average tour event. My suggestion - each country enters a "pair", playing alternate shot, with a two round stroke play qualifier providing eight teams for a knockout phase.

If only it were tomorrow.... Mickelson and Woods representing the USA. Now that would be worth watching.

Conversations with Huey

What's the worst thing about a night chatting to Huey on the big white telephone?

Is it the gut wrenching spasms? The odious smell of vomit? Is it knowing that you are two minutes away from the pain of your 5th dry retch in as many hours? Is it ill-advisedly watching "Das Boot" as you clutch a bucket to your chest?

Or is it having your wife tell you the following day that your next door neighbours were awakened by your overly-theatrical vomiting?

"It sounded like he was shouting" is a comment that will haunt me for a long time.

Buy it now, mate?

We've been shamelessly hawking a load of old junk... er, I mean, offering a range of quality second goods on eBay recently. As per normal, I start the price low, and let the auction take its course.

I could, of course, offer "Buy it Now", but I don't - as mentioned above, I just want to let the auction run its course. If I was open to an offer, I would have added a "Buy it Now" price to the auction.

Still with me? This is very complicated.

At least I assume it's all very complicated, as an irritatingly high percentage of our auctions attract a message along the lines of "Hi, mate - woud you be prepared to accept an offer to buy it right now?"

Well, excuse me Sherlock, but if I was minded to accept such a proposal, wouldn't I have listed the item with a "Buy it now" price? Is it not unreasonable to assume that as I didn't this, I'm likely to say "no thanks"? Did you perhaps assume that I maybe just forgot to click on the "Buy it Now" option when listing my item?

This has quickly gone from puzzling, to bemusing, to downright annoying. I've now decided not to respond to these queries, as the danger of firing back something drippingly sarcastic may be counter productive.

Or maybe I'll just refer them to Carpet Rite....

Carpet "Aye, that'll be" Rite

We went to buy a small sheet of linoleum for our "cloakroom" (aka loo - why do they call this a cloakroom? Would you hang your coat in a small toilet, especially if your house is full of little people with dubious aim??).

A simple enough task you might think, and indeed at first it was all plain sailing- we found ourselves in Carpet Rite, and quickly identified a suitable bit of lino. I located a salesman, and he quickly priced it for us - about £60. "We'll take it" I said "how much for fitting?"

Well, you'd think I'd asked the poor chap to outline Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. After a short interlude of eye rolling and cheek puffing, the salesman confided that fitting was £30, plus £35 for "delivery".

I paused for a few seconds, as a I digested this information. £35 to chuck a bit of lino on a lorry and distribute to a local address? This required further exploration, and I enquired further.

The next minute was slightly confusing, but the gist was this - concerned that a number of customers had received lino or carpet, stored incorrectly prior to fitting and then claimed a refund from the store, "head office" had issued a decree that all customers pay a £35 delivery charge if they required fitting. "The problem is, the customer thinks he's always right" muttered our friendly salesman.

Could we not just pick up the lino from the store and then have it fitted, wondered my wife? Oh no, that's far too simple and obvious - no can do. However, the salesman leaned in closer, and whispered conspiratorially - "of course, you could pick it up from the store, and I could give you the number of one of the fitters so you can arrange fitting yourselves".

By this point, bemused and confused, we decided enough was enough and beat a hasty retreat. I've been mulling over this all weekend, and still can't quite fathom it out. One thing is clear -I won't be using Carpet Rite again, I just don't have the mental capacity.

Paradise Lost

Despite setting an expectation that a wind of change was blowing down Magnolia Lane (Mike Weir suggested a few weeks ago that the Green Blazers were all set to radically shorten / alter several holes in response to criticism of the last two Masters), it seems that ultimately only a gentle zephyr has ruffled the azaleas and dogwoods of Augusta National.

ANGC announced earlier this week that a handful of tee boxes would be extended by 5 - 10 yards, to offer a greater variety of options should weather conditions dictate. Hardly earth shattering, and on the face of it a weak response to a growing tide of apathy surrounding this once proud tournament.

In fairness, I have defended the Green Blazers in the past two years. 2007 was unusually cold and breezy, with the firm course playing havoc. And in 2008, everything was bubbling up nicely until a strong wind on the final day saw scores soar. In sahort - mitigating circumstances.

However, they have lengthened, tightened and toughened the course to such an extent that the event is now unrecognisable from the one that captured my imagination in the 1980's. While I understand the reasoning (an attempt to have golfers playing second shots with the same clubs as 20 years ago), they have gone too far, and reduced a tournament famed for risk and reward to a dull grind.

Cases in point - Hole 7, lengthened by 50-60 yards, when the green is small, bunkered, and only receptive to wedge shots. Hole 11, where a second shot with a mid - long iron leaves no opportunity for taking the pin on, and many players aim short and right to leave a straighforward pitch. And hole 18, where the shorter hitters are playing uphill with woods or hybrids on their second shots.

It would take so little effort to restore the tournament to the levels of excitement seen previously, while still ensuring that the course is a stern test of skill and character - shorten a few holes, remove some trees, and mow down the "rough". And to most of us, this is common sense. Unfortunately Billy Payne and his green blazered buddies don't agree, and an opportunity has been missed.

It will be interesting to see how the 2009 Masters pans out, and how another zzzzzzzzz-factor will impact ratings, credibility and status. It takes a massive stretch of the imagination to foresee The Players usurping the Masters as one of the four majors, but stranger things have happened (just ask Messrs Hornby and Goodwin).

Shakin' Stephen Hawking

This is the funniest thing I've seen for a long time. Enjoy....

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=VbXFtrl71h4

Contrast and Compare

Seeing as my brother is unable to tell the difference between a skilfully executed punch shot and a sclaff, here's an interesting illlustrative example.

From Kingsbarns 2007, it's the short par 3 8th hole. For me, a punch with a 7 iron lands within 10 feet. My brother, as usual, hits a big lash with a 9 iron that ends short and right. Contrast and compare ....
















Punched 7 iron (above). Note nicely balanced finish, everything under control here. And....






















A wild lash.

Some people never learn.....

Luck... or Skill ??

The Golfers' Hell post has stirred some comment - my old school chum Malk recalls a ridiculously skied shot that was followed by a punt on to the green and a regulation par, with my brother chipping in with the following -

"My dad and I have endured many more moments of Stumpy jamminess, oh yes, many, many moments, since your account took place. King of the daisy cutter, finder of the gap in the wall and the only person I know who could say "I meant that", when you are watching with your mouth open and inwardly performing such language as to make Mr Ramsey blush."

His feeling is that Lady Luck looks upon me more favourably than perhaps other golfers, and that I am overly blessed with golfing good fortune. My high handicap and empty mantlepiece would suggest otherwise, but it's an interesting perception. Much of it stems from what he calls "daisy cutters", but these are not lucky - these are the result of a sound swing and decent fundamentals, undone by a slight topping off the ball, or playing a fairway wood off a hanging lie.

This disparity in perception is best summed up by an incident during our annual "Friendly Family Foursomes", where my other brother and I take on my youngest brother and the auld yin.

It's the 1st hole at Kingsbarns, and all four drives are nicely away. So all on the 2nd shots, and my brother (the only golfer stroking at the first hole) hits a peerless 7 iron to 15 feet. His smug smile says "there for net 1 - beat that".

Undaunted, I survey my approach (and, yes, I did outdrive him). Being a links course, there's more than one way to skin a cat - in this case, a full bloodied 7 iron, or a knock down 6. Given the clear approach to the green, I elected the latter, and nonchalantly punted a low 6 iron up the fairway. A few hops and skips later, the ball bounces up on to the green, and finishes 8 feet from the hole.

If the look on my brother's face at that point in time had gone to auction, bidding would still be going on now - it was priceless. All credit to the wee fellah, although visibly shaken, he did nudge his putt to 3 feet, leaving me with my 8 footer - a cheeky wee left to right downhiller.

Well, the outcome was never in doubt, the ball rattling sweetly into the middle of the cup. A lesser man would have crumbled, but I doff my cap to my swarthy sibling, he dribbled in his 3 footer for a fighting half. Unfortunately, we lost the match in the end (mainly because I suddenly lost my game halfway up the 10th fairway), but the first hole is a moment I'll enjoy for the rest of my life. And one that my brother will never forget either, but perhaps for different reasons.

What's that coming over the hill..??..

... is it a phalanx of PGA Tour players chasing the Dubai Dollar?

Looks like it - as reported in the Daily Express (I don't read it, honest!!) Villegas and Kim have joined the European Tour as "associate members". Which essentially means they'll play their 7 Major / WGC co-sanctioned events, 4 other ET events, and (if they qualify) the season ending "Oil be Rich. Rich, I tell you! Bwaa haa haaa" World Championship.

Good news for the ET, although the "European" element of that name (or "brand" as the Americans like to call it) is becoming increasingly advisory. Not necessarily a bad thing - the Daily Express writer mentions that these marquee players won't be on the "doorstep". But assuming his door is somewhere in southern England, whether the event is in France, Spain or Emirates is moot - unless the author is truly parochial, and is bemoaning the fact that we won't see these players in the UK outside The Open Championship.

Essentially, any event where the top players lock horns has to be viewed as a "good thing", regardless of stage - golf is a global game, and regional labels need not apply.

Golfers' Hell

In considering my own private hell recently - mine involves a jazz quartet and an interminable game of "Connect 4" - it set me thinking about what form hell might take for any given golfer. e.g. reliving ad infinitum a particular moment that will haunt them forever, a shot they'd love to have back, whose outcome would turn or define a career.

Some possible "hells" -

• Colin Montgomerie - his 2nd to the 18th at the 2006 US Open. Faced with a 6 or 7 iron and a par to win, Monty hit a shot even he shouted "what the hell was that???" as the ball landed the one place he couldn't be on that hole - short and right. Particularly heartaching as even Monty would recognise that at 43 it was likely his last shot at a Major.


• Doug Sanders - his 3 footer at St Andrews 1970. An iconic moment in many respects, but not for Doug one suspects.


• Thomas Bjorn - his bunker shot at the 16th in the final round of the 2003 Open Championship. Two ahead with three to play, a bogey would have been acceptable in the circumstances, but three attempts at splashing out resulted in a double bogey that derailled his challenge. Will never get a major chance like that again.

There must be more, and no doubt we all have our own "special moments" - feel free to share your pain....

Moral Dilemma?

Here's an interesting dilemma (and thanks to my dad for prompting this one)....

Imagine you are a professional sportsman, whose livelihood is dependent on staying fit and healthy. However, you are passionate about skiing / mountain biking / parkour (delete as appropriate). Do you -

(A) Eschew such dangerous activities - you have a family to support, perhaps a mortgage to pay, and you cannot risk career threatening injury

(B) Acknowledge the risks, but declare "we're only here once" and indulge your passion at every opportunity.


Now imagine you are Jean van de Velde, whose pro golf career has been cut short by a knee injury picked up while skiing a few years ago. Do you look back with regret, or shrug Gallically and mutter "c'est la vie"?

Out with the Old?

Congratulations to Alvaro Quiros on his Portuguese Masters win on Sunday against a strong field.

At first glance, I was impressed to note that the event was staged at Vilamoura. Now, I've never been to Portugal. I know very little about the country. Heck, I haven't even drunk sherry since my Auntie Bill's (don't ask...) in 1985. However, I have heard of the famous Vilamoura and it's fantastic golf course, and was delighted to note that the ET had unusually selected a top rated course for an event as opposed to some anonymous, 7400 yard, water-strewn, Arnold Palmer designed nonsense course.

It was anly ofter a small jig of joy that I glanced again, and picked up on something I had previously missed. The event was not at the world famous Old course, but was instead hosted at something called the "Oceanico Victoria". A quick check on the Oceanico Group website confirmed my worst fears. Long? Check. Featureless? Check. Lots of water "features"? Check. Designed by Arnold Palmer (he of K Club "fame")? Check.

Sigh......

Enough!

I'm angry. No, more than that - I'm incandescent with rage. But what has provoked my ire? Is it the current financial crisis, and the gross mismanagement of Scotland's major banks? Is it Kris Boyd's schoolboy tantrum? Is it Robert Mugabe's failure to grasp the basic definitions of "power share" and "democracy"?

No. I'll tell you.... although I can barely type the words, I'm shaking with fury... another golf OEM has launched a new set of irons.

Yes, I know... it's hard to comprehend. Poverty grips the world in an evil vice, arocities are committed the world over on a casual and regular basis, but Callaway feel the time is ripe to launch a new set of irons and putters - http://www.golfmagic.com/news/article/mps/uan/5880

Well, pardon me, but isn't only 10 minutes since the last state-of-the-art offering, the last unveiling of the tools set to guarantee golfing nirvana?

I scoff, I laugh, and many of you will doubtless join me. But yet... the major manufacturers have accelerated their product launch rate. We are showered with new clubs on a regular basis - which leads me to conclude that there are significant numbers of people out there who are dumb enough to be seduced by these offerings - a body of people who look in the mirror each morning, and see "GUM" tattooed across their foreheads.

There is only one way to stop this madness, to bring this carousel of lunacy to a violent and juddering halt - stop buying these clubs!!

Enough is enough - the line gets drawn here.....

It Has to be Sandy !!

It was interesting to note that the clamour for the next European Ryder Cup captain started as soon as Furyk and Jimenez shook hands at the end of their hard fought match. Inevitably, the name of Jose Maria Olazabal's name was to the forefront, as well as calls for a Woosnam repeat at Celtic Manor in 2010.

However, very few "pundits" have touted Sandy Lyle as a serious candidate. To me, this beggars belief. You might remember big Sandy - for a spell in the mid 1980's, he was the best player in the world. No less a man than Seve even confessed that if the "big 5" of Europe played each other with their "A" games, Sandy would be the winner. As a golfing legend and major winner, he commands respect. As a genial human being with a gentle nature and nary a bad bone in his body, he also commands respect.

But yet... why not the calls for Sandy? Is he worse equipped than Faldo? Actually, let's not answer that one, as that's a whole new can of worms. But if Faldo's idiosyncracies can be overlooked by dint of his stellar major record, why not Sandy's?

Failure to select Sandy as captain for 2010, and at his age this must be his last chance, is a massive insult and slap in the face to a golfing legend. Does he not deserve better? Has the Ryder Cup lost its raison d'etre, when the desire to win at all costs transcends the need to honour one of Europe's finest?

And this all assumes that Sandy has some weakness of character, or is too gentle a spirit, to assume the mantle of captain. I'm not convinced that this is the case, there has to be a core of steel to the man - winners do not have soft underbellies, losers do not hit shots like Lyle's iconic fairway bunker shot at Augusta. If there is genuine concern, then that can be easily addressed by appointing the right vice captains - Bjorn as a "they don't like it up 'em" sergeant major to Lyle's cool Colonel, or Woosie as head of enertainment (aka - piss-up artist in chief).

Sadly, I fear Lyle's quiet insistence that he's the man for the job is not making an impression in the right quarters, and that he'll end up disappointed. If that is the case, it'll be nothing short of a disgrace.

You Couldn't Make It Up #1

RBS chairman Sir Tom McKillop earlier in the week....

"It's immensely regretful we're coming to shareholders to raise funds again, it's something we feel bad about"


Er.....yes, quite.

Genius

The label "genius" is applied all too easily these days - real genius is something different, and special, and doesn't always necessarily apply to somebody who kicks a leather (sorry - synthetic compound) ball or whacks a little white one with a stick for a living.

However, in the case of Severiano Ballesteros, the label is justified - as well as a golfing icon who defined the game for those of us who grew up in the 70's and 80's, his raw talent, charisma and sheer force of will all define him as a genius of his trade. Many golfers are worthy of consideration for the title of "greatness" - Jones, Nicklaus, Hogan, Woods - but to me Seve stands above these as a beacon of something else, particularly as like many geniuses he is flawed in some respects (arrogance and gamesmanship spring to mind).

I don't need to spell out here the details of his condition or the gravity of his situation, nor will I rush to pen a premature obituary. But I wish him a full recovery, and in considering a multitude of special Seve moments, the one that stays with me is from the 1984 Open Championship at St Andrews.

For many, the iconic moment of that championship is Seve's matador flourish as he rams in what turned out to be the winning putt. For me, it's a moment from an earlier round, where Seve contemplates a long approach to the par 5 5th. His ball is perched on a wicked downslope, and the odds don't look good. Seve, though, is undaunted, and flushes a perfect two iron to the heart of the green. As the ball sets off tracer-like towards its target, playing partner Lee Trevino is heard to drawl - "Touch of class, baby... touch of class".....

Turkeys in "Not Voting for Christmas" shocker...

In one of life's least surprising turn of events, the European Tour Players' Committee has voted to increase the minmum number of events required for membership from 11 to 12.

In itself, not a startling event - but in the context of a potential power shift in the global game, hardly surprisng. With the recently confirmed and scheduled "Race to Dubai" (think "marathon", not "sprint") boasting obscene amounts of money, including a cash-soaked denoument that falls outwith the main PGA Tour schedule, a number of US-based players have been making positive noises about joining the tour.

But while you may be salivating at the thought of Mickelson, Scott, Ogilvy and Villegas making occasional forays into Europe (or more likely the gulf states or Asia), the rank and file of the European Tour have been less than open to this prospect. A shift in the membership criteria from 11 to 12 events is hardly seismic, and may not entirely deter those watching from the States, but it's not exactly rolling out the welcome mat.

So, if the promised appearance of some PGA Tour stars doesn't materialise, you can thank the august members of the ET Players Committee as you watch the likes of Mattias Eliason and Francisco Valera strut their stuff.